wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat