Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.