Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
You Might Also Like
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
the red hot silly peppers
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Probably my best painting.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY