Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I’m giving up for Lent.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards