“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
CUTE CAT‼︎
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.