7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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road rage
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs