Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
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Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles