Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.