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BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits