Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table