Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW