“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
thanksgiving should be called feaster
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Cake safety first. Always.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead