When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
road rage
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*