@The_Sculptress: Remember that time when you didn't call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.
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@chimneyspotter: DATE: ...so that's how I ended up at Harvard Law! ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
@Disfordilaudid: Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator: "18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused."
@LeBearGirdle: Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV! Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
@notalogin: After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.