Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
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Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha