remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]