Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
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good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
#Caturday
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.