Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.