@esc_key: Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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@GrantTanaka: [calls home] son: hello me: hi, put mom on the phone son: I can't me: why son: she's too heavy
@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
@rudy_mustang: STEM major: what are you learning in school Kindergartener: shapes and colors STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that
@alldrolledup: when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth