Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.