@StellaRtwot: Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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@AmishPornStar1: Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@HannahAntics: I complain about my kids a lot but I'd be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
@captainkalvis: me: i'd like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm employee: sir, this is a McDonald's me: oh my bad. i'd like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm employee: perfect, see you then
@ohthatbadger: X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that? Me: He's on paws. X: … Me: 😁 On… paws. X: I hate you so much.