@StellaRtwot: Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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@Smooheed: Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: I was named after my grandfather. Me: Of course you were, he was born first.
@jordanrubin: "We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
@sarcasm_inc: *waiter lays down my plate* "Can I get u anything else?" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok