Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Natty or not?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life