@StellaRtwot: Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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@armyVet1972: Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, "Wow you're, like, older than my dad!"
@AnneM69: I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email
@KeetPotato: nurse: "if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half" me: [visibly confused] wife: "the grapes keith not the baby"