Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.