Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.