Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot