Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You Might Also Like
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
time for some seasonal decor
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”