My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Oh. My. God.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”