My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
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why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”