Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
spicy snake