Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
You Might Also Like
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec