Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Taliband
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books