I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
(yawn)
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ