So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The hardest thing Vision has to do
me when the borders lift
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.