Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful