Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Lol.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Ape together strong
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.