Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
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“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.