Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
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so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.