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@envydatropic: *Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
@bea_ker: Hitlers gonna hitl
@better_off_dad: Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?
Me: About 45 minutes.
@AmberDonn: The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn't be sacrificed anytime soon.
@Ristolable: I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
@batkaren: KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week