*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”