*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”