@chrisscamurra: CASHIER: its declined ME: run it again C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out ME: no C: your name is "local resident"?

@FatherWithTwins: My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn't lose it.

@jazmasta: *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

@DeanScott01: Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

@phalguy: I'm sleeping in this morning. Bladder: MUHAHAHAHA!!