REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks