@Donna_McCoy: Replace someone's MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you'll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
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@flashember: Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully's face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
@WhoTheHeckIsMeg: ["Platonic" male friend rams car through my bedroom wall] I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
@fro_vo: Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now
@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.