Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
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Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.