replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
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What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.