Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)