Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.