Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
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a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.