Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
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Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
It’s the weekend y’all
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.