Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him