REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Sell your car
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.