REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
You Might Also Like
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD