Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.