“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.