Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
You Might Also Like
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.