REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
titanic
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.