Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?